Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
happy mother’s day❤️
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
this has to be peak English