My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
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Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.