When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.