Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
How your email finds me
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.