‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia