People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
*pronounces carrot like tarot*