[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”