This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.