It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Erm I’m gonna say no
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“OMGJK” -atheists
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
me: my friends:
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”