My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Only short people can save us
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
i made a craigslist ad !
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.