I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]