I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I see your IQ test came back negative
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.