Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I feel attacked.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life