I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
you gotta be faster
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices