Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
incredible
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.