If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The asteroid..
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.