Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.