lmao
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.