[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.