My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
LOL!
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas