ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
barbara was highly relatable
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Erm I’m gonna say no
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Catering service
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.