Delightful if true: booby trap.
You Might Also Like
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
mathematically impossible
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Brilliant!
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.