Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family