Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”