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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille