I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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I bet birds love this building.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal