I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.