The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*aggressively waits in line*
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.