Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.