God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
You Might Also Like
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages