Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Time for evil
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.