I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
You Might Also Like
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Rt to bother an English speaker
oppen heimer style lol
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me