My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.