I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Hot hot hot 🥵