I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?