Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”