Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco