I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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Smile they said.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.