*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.