[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Camping tip: No.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
never forget
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
my dog when i have a friend over
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use