My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”