*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
12653.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.