Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”