I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
good work, everybody
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁