My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.