me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?