Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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This is why I hate group projects
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”