*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Employees must applaud the planets.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.