If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
time for some seasonal decor
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.