What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Proctology is located in A55
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.